I wrote a post earlier that didn’t get published because the internet sucks out here but I was writing about how I’ve been reading these books since I’ve been here and how the books are directly, exactly identical to delusions and fears I had when I lost my marbles almost two years ago. The book was apparently published the same year. 

I’ve been wanting to write a detailed explanation of everything that happened but it’s just too hard. So much time has passed now that it’s become especially difficult to remember when and where certain things happened. At the same time, there is no way I can forget certain things I thought about. Some things happened that I will never, ever forget.

I felt like I was too aware of my own physical energy. So much that I felt expanded to the point that I was affecting things around me. I knew things were going to happen and I my brain was always processing ten steps ahead of everything. I felt way too sensitive to everyone else around me and literally felt the weight of the world on me. I have never felt empathy to that extent and didn’t know it was possible to. I grew paranoid and was afraid that people high up in government knew how strong I was and wanted to use me for my power. I believed that people could shapeshift so they could get to me. I became obsessed with positive/negative energy and became afraid of fear. I became afraid of myself. I thought I had created a terrible black hole portal into a dimension of awful spirits that were tugging me down. I thought this hole was in my room. Sometimes I felt possessed. I thought I was a witch or that I was evil. I thought I knew too much. I wanted to help everyone. I felt like I knew how to do everything or could figure out anything. My ego was inflated but yet I was more afraid than I have ever been in my entire life. I thought I couldn’t talk to anyone because They would take them away. I thought they could reach my thoughts and track my activity on my computer as well as my phone. I thought Jaiden and I were communicating telepathically, and he did too. It got complicated and confusing. I actually did communicate with my sister in a nonverbal way. I thought I had learned too much at once and didn’t know how to do simple tasks anymore. I was so distracted by trying to carry the weight of everything. I didn’t want to hurt or disappoint anyone so badly that I didn’t tell anyone what was going on and whenever I did, I spread fear to them just as I thought I would, which is exactly what I was trying to avoid. Eventually I couldn’t think linearly. My thoughts were acting more like polka dots than as a straight line. I spoke to a healer once and this is how she described it. She also told me that I had gotten in touch with a different frequency via lsd and poked a hole in my reality. I felt over and over that I was dying and disintegrating or being reborn. Many times, tooo many times I thoroughly believed that I was dead. Sometimes I thought that I was on another plane of existence. There was this very very scary point where I thought I was descended down the ladders of reality and I had to somehow “get it right” to come back. I thought my body was actually somewhere else in a coma. I couldn’t cope with the reality that I had created for myself so I was convinced I could somehow just… make myself vanish. Sometimes I thought that I was experiencing other peoples emotions through them. At one point I thought I was my roommates orange tabby.. not that I was him but that I was feeling all of his pain when they were trying to give him a bath. I kept feeling like I needed to start over. I didn’t believe that people were who they were. I didn’t belive that my parents were my parents when they came to get me from the hospital. I even had a delusion that I was supposed to burn and die in a fire in my house.

After a trip to the mental hospital and multiple medications I came back to reality from my lsd/mdma/psilocybin induced two month long spiral downward. I’ve recovered and become happier than ever. After you visit hell, everything after is just brighter.

A few months ago I ran into my friend who’s sister was good friends with my roommate while living in that house. She told me that everyone who tried to live in that room after I did either got sick or had a mental breakdown or both. All three of them. Also creepypasta, There had been a fire in the house next door to mine and the room closest to mine had burned down. Apparently when they tried to get a roommate to move in after all this had happened the fire alarm went off when they were showing the room to someone. It never ever, goes off. There was something very very dark in that room I swear to you.

During my breakdown I knew that the room would have a stigma attached to it. I knew that it would be a mini “legend” of sorts. I knew that they would have trouble finding someone to live there.

When my parents picked me up from the hospital we went back to my house to get my belongings. I couldn’t find the strength to go to it though. I thought that either a) my roommates were now zombies, or b) my house had burned down. I remember looking up at my neighbors house and thinking that it was burnt. I couldn’t see my house from the street because it was on a hill behind some other buildings..

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So here for the even weirder part, I picked up two books since I came to the beach and literally, everything that I was afraid of happening, everything that I thought was happening, is in that book. I mean, not everything as in not things that happened to me personally but a lot of it was. It was like someone picked my brain. Now I don’t know if it was a coincidence. I don’t know if I became in touch with the collective knowledge or just put together certain information but I almost couldn’t read them.

They’re kind of silly actually, written for teenagers by James Patterson. Part of me is creeped out, part of me is pissed off because I feel like he stole these ideas from me somehow. (Not literally) But it’s weird.. it’s fucking weird.

It’s all about New World Order and children learning to manipulate energy and contact the spirit realm. They get captured and ofcourse, just like I imagined, the goverment controls the weather and wants to harness this power from children. There is a rebellion. A revolution. So much shit. mental hospitals.. Too much in these books that hit much too close to home. I almost didn’t read them because of how weird it was to be seeing my own ideas published in front of me. In a fucking best seller by a best selling author. If only I was a better writer I could have done it first.

I don’t believe that James Patterson stole this from me by the way. I am curious as to how humans pick up such terrifyingly similar details about a fantasy. I don’t know I can’t even write anymore I’m not making any sense. I wish I had someone to help edit and organize all this nonsense going on in my head.

I’ve been writing down my dreams since this passed winter and I’ve had a lot, I mean a looot of experiences of remembering a detail, or seeing something happen in a dream that happen the very next day. Many times it has to do with specific clothing.

One time I saw a man dressed all in neon yellow in a dream and we were playing a “war” themed game so I wondered why he was wearing it. The very next morning I walked to the smoking circle from my dorm and saw my friend dick wearing neon yellow tape all over his shorts. Another time I had a dream that I was wearing a frilly dress and puting on makeup. I went to my friends house the next day and she started trying on outfits that she was planning to bring to a festival and she put a dress on that was nearly identical. Her dress and the dress in my dream were pink. She kept going to her mirror and putting on mascera or whatever. 

Last night I had a very vivid dream that I wrote down in my dream journal. I was going to Moogfest and I had to put a costume together last minute I had a pleated plaid skirt with a white top and knee-high socks. I had reddish strawberry blonde hair the outfit had a lot of red and white. An older asian woman handed me a bag of tons of cute sunglasses. I picked white ones that were shaped liek stars and had black centers that could flip open. The socks I had on had mushrooms on them…(that particular detail I can thank tumblr for)

So just now, on facebook… there’s this girl named Theresa. I’m not even her friend on facebook anymore and I never check her page. I never see her anymore and she rarely crosses my mind. I see her come up on a friends page and I clicked on it and shes wearing that outfit minus the sunglasses. She has knee high socks on but they’re grey. Her hair is actually reddish blonde right now, which I didn’t know. In the dream I remember looking in the mirror and seeing that I was in fact, asian. My face was not my face. And now after seeing her photo on fb, I see how much I looked like her in the dream.

I know it doesn’t sound like much but this happens a lot. It’s so frustrating to know that this keeps happening but never having any substantial evidence of the phenomenon other than my own word and my dream journal. 

Two nights ago I had a dream that my eyes turned blue. The next day the main character girl in my book went through some shit and her eyes changed from blue to almost clear. 

Always little details that don’t seem like much but it really only happens when I’m very attentive to my dreams and focusing on being aware of them.

So this is terribly unorganized and jumbled but I had to get it out. And if someone reads it than that would somehow comfort me because being alone with all these things for so long really takes a toll on a person.

Whenever I’m making it a strong habit to keep track of my dreams then this weird shit occurs more often. I don’t know what’s happening.

I love this so much.

I’ve been curious as to why I find him so attractive. I think this explains everything.

I’ve been curious as to why I find him so attractive. I think this explains everything.

drawing from a month or so ago.

Fucking amazing. One of the most beautiful films I’ve ever seen.