But why does it breath

if life is but a breath

why does it breath why do we breath.

We come in

 we go out

I am so nutshell shock too many voices at one time everyone sit down and do as your told I am the one here and I have come to tell you to be wery forget what you’ve lost it was never got I’ve got to show you  I could sing a song in a language that’s never been sung but you would know that I’m full of shit yes I am 200% poop and alone a 20 year old piece of poop sits and taps at her laptop/ this isn’t quite as she envisioned it all or was it? Who fucking knows I’m my own mother the other from the outward in explosion from the core crapple sapple motherfucker it’s phhreeeesh and I aint never been stung like a motherfucker like you I ain’t the dumbest piece of crap and I don’t know why it exites me to say just that linear timelines forever sentence struggle in a tangle with itself and others and all of the above and the outward in explosion seems to continue and continue until it continues I wish I was horse back riding memories back to where I was a second ago a millennia ago and I am definitely no genius but I do say sir if I wasn’t so sure of nuclear warfare as I am now I am now as I am scared to even type those words in from my brain as if I could explain and I was to blaim for all of the above terror destruction I’m destroying the beginning from the middle of the beginning and spiral out motherfucker there are squirresl running up my brain is a puddle soup back to basics as I was the maeoba crawling from beneath my own skin that I was crawling out of to get into my own skin again and again we do we continue as little tiny rolands searching for towers made of sand melt into the sea eventually and am I free or was I free and are we ever will we be there nnow or yesterday I how do I words spider web connection fluid tapestry decends it unfolds and here we are new borns in another fucking story I’m telling the same story over and over hows about I change the goddamn channel for once and when I explode from the inside outward I know that I am light love and I am the breath of something greater. But I’m just feeding my own bird feeder out my mouth refeidgerator fuckin a that’s a hard word to spell but maybe I’m a sixth grader and cool sailer a sailor moon if ya please an ice skater and it was known this was the way that they wrote songs in the age where the words that we spit came from the same dinosaur pit where the same cum ran up the spine of some poor flower and forgive every bastard son they are not the ones to blaim and if I know the way I’ll tell you and if some poor old fellow mangages to read the above passages I forget just where I was gong. I want to cum on life itself and give it something to die for. How do I put this simply I would fuck the body connected to the brain that pulses to anothers heart arteries my art and trees Well aint that fuckin deep jesus godamnmotherfucking blasphasphummers thumb ass burners we some what I’m sorry excuse me whos brain was I just in oh sorry that was my own I’m knowcking on different windows of souls spiriling around and about and aall I want is to fill the gap fill the void hollow to lake I must fill myself one day I will say something that people will remember for the rest of their lives but who cares everyone dies at the end and that’s ok I’m ok with just being a breath just breath and who the hell can tell the difference if im saying breath or breath and so ok I’m just gonna put this out there I already know I’m going to read this to Jeremy so I may as well put thios shout out in here for comic reliefe when I jump out of a ship that’s still dripping with the rip in the time collide machine destroy rejoice youre trying your breast best look at you you try your best but you just end up typing breast because you like huge tits and whos tits in my head whos game I’ll settle your catan oh my goddamn I can’t believe I just rickross Virginia who knows I don’t fucking care  who the hell would ever sit through this dribble nibble your vigina I’d rather not camping farts and giggle sin and wow who put that dark light so close to your elbow in the middle of the night it was so bright and I love just a few but you all knew it was only you and everytime my brain shatters on itself hitting a wall and I breath as a breath in another breath of another thing that breaths. And maybe I shouldn’t read this to you understated in the middle of who the heck brought that guy here and shudder flutter I revisit all the things I used to revisit and in and out  there is something bigger than myself. Because we could be tripping for days maybe only years but make this one count a sting of thoughts on your tongue let them come a single strip a tap a hit a bump on your tongue and whos counting anyway a million years of remembering who I used to be who I was going to be who I used to be it recylcles the same old shit but I already knw I was made of poop and glue and I miss you o god that could mean everyone or everyone and I’m spilling and vomiting a million years of crying a million years of pain and suffering and joy and light and embracing all within with one very happy face on a bright shining day who am I. sufferer blood rain briniger dark ring barer im so fucking hungry for so many different types of love and I love how but I’m the shit don’t you realize real eyes real lies. I’ve already been here before should I just start and save and start and de and breath. Its really all just only a discussion withyourself ourselves I fell and I am full of distaste for the haste to get rid of all the fun shit I could sleep but I wanna row down the river I am a meat cleaver and blue beaver a stop clever clandestine widow a pittoo I apologize but I’m not a potato in the middle of the night I crumble the marbles are scatters in the dark matter who is here I can’t hear stop shit flowin from the top of my head don’t even look at it get nakey in the courtyard fuck me inside out and blossoms fall about your hair maybe I would love a maiden fair I could if she would. I could love any other I have loved all over at some other point so get over it spilling my dreams I hope to sing the neveending violins that play in my heart all the time. I would make you breakfast I would eat fruit in the morning seventh chakra never shy enough not to show herself at the end of the night eye awak I tyghbdnfuujikmewqvutyerdxxseazoutdnejwitkemsnalotiehtudnskemlmeliaameliasan dorrito florida pool of cess Id rather keep my own mess to myself thank you very much and you’re welcome even though you’re always disappointed and don’t tell me you don’t think about it ever now and then and often and all the time I am waiting out my window waiting for some stupid boy who hasn’t come or already came and came and went and wept about someone else to my face on the same face that you spilled the sons that didn’t come out from another one and slip dipstickwaddleoutwithoutapaddle saddle fickle just words but isn’t this cool you can know what you thought about at some other point in time that no longer has any relevance in new said such point which point that’s the point in which I tell you I have to go ive got to take care of my own glow in the dark things in my art im delirious fuck my old powtry im better now what in the actual fuck I am literraly smarter than some of the most famous poops at the Hollywood zoo omg I think I’m a million fucking people in one split into atoms at the core of an atom at the core of an apple at the core of an apple at the core of the truth behind the bend and break of wind at neck and neck with the tree top serenades of a paradise that makes me think of two who will be symbiotic fuck this im tired.

I wrote a post earlier that didn’t get published because the internet sucks out here but I was writing about how I’ve been reading these books since I’ve been here and how the books are directly, exactly identical to delusions and fears I had when I lost my marbles almost two years ago. The book was apparently published the same year. 

I’ve been wanting to write a detailed explanation of everything that happened but it’s just too hard. So much time has passed now that it’s become especially difficult to remember when and where certain things happened. At the same time, there is no way I can forget certain things I thought about. Some things happened that I will never, ever forget.

I felt like I was too aware of my own physical energy. So much that I felt expanded to the point that I was affecting things around me. I knew things were going to happen and I my brain was always processing ten steps ahead of everything. I felt way too sensitive to everyone else around me and literally felt the weight of the world on me. I have never felt empathy to that extent and didn’t know it was possible to. I grew paranoid and was afraid that people high up in government knew how strong I was and wanted to use me for my power. I believed that people could shapeshift so they could get to me. I became obsessed with positive/negative energy and became afraid of fear. I became afraid of myself. I thought I had created a terrible black hole portal into a dimension of awful spirits that were tugging me down. I thought this hole was in my room. Sometimes I felt possessed. I thought I was a witch or that I was evil. I thought I knew too much. I wanted to help everyone. I felt like I knew how to do everything or could figure out anything. My ego was inflated but yet I was more afraid than I have ever been in my entire life. I thought I couldn’t talk to anyone because They would take them away. I thought they could reach my thoughts and track my activity on my computer as well as my phone. I thought Jaiden and I were communicating telepathically, and he did too. It got complicated and confusing. I actually did communicate with my sister in a nonverbal way. I thought I had learned too much at once and didn’t know how to do simple tasks anymore. I was so distracted by trying to carry the weight of everything. I didn’t want to hurt or disappoint anyone so badly that I didn’t tell anyone what was going on and whenever I did, I spread fear to them just as I thought I would, which is exactly what I was trying to avoid. Eventually I couldn’t think linearly. My thoughts were acting more like polka dots than as a straight line. I spoke to a healer once and this is how she described it. She also told me that I had gotten in touch with a different frequency via lsd and poked a hole in my reality. I felt over and over that I was dying and disintegrating or being reborn. Many times, tooo many times I thoroughly believed that I was dead. Sometimes I thought that I was on another plane of existence. There was this very very scary point where I thought I was descended down the ladders of reality and I had to somehow “get it right” to come back. I thought my body was actually somewhere else in a coma. I couldn’t cope with the reality that I had created for myself so I was convinced I could somehow just… make myself vanish. Sometimes I thought that I was experiencing other peoples emotions through them. At one point I thought I was my roommates orange tabby.. not that I was him but that I was feeling all of his pain when they were trying to give him a bath. I kept feeling like I needed to start over. I didn’t believe that people were who they were. I didn’t belive that my parents were my parents when they came to get me from the hospital. I even had a delusion that I was supposed to burn and die in a fire in my house.

After a trip to the mental hospital and multiple medications I came back to reality from my lsd/mdma/psilocybin induced two month long spiral downward. I’ve recovered and become happier than ever. After you visit hell, everything after is just brighter.

A few months ago I ran into my friend who’s sister was good friends with my roommate while living in that house. She told me that everyone who tried to live in that room after I did either got sick or had a mental breakdown or both. All three of them. Also creepypasta, There had been a fire in the house next door to mine and the room closest to mine had burned down. Apparently when they tried to get a roommate to move in after all this had happened the fire alarm went off when they were showing the room to someone. It never ever, goes off. There was something very very dark in that room I swear to you.

During my breakdown I knew that the room would have a stigma attached to it. I knew that it would be a mini “legend” of sorts. I knew that they would have trouble finding someone to live there.

When my parents picked me up from the hospital we went back to my house to get my belongings. I couldn’t find the strength to go to it though. I thought that either a) my roommates were now zombies, or b) my house had burned down. I remember looking up at my neighbors house and thinking that it was burnt. I couldn’t see my house from the street because it was on a hill behind some other buildings..

______________________________________________________________

So here for the even weirder part, I picked up two books since I came to the beach and literally, everything that I was afraid of happening, everything that I thought was happening, is in that book. I mean, not everything as in not things that happened to me personally but a lot of it was. It was like someone picked my brain. Now I don’t know if it was a coincidence. I don’t know if I became in touch with the collective knowledge or just put together certain information but I almost couldn’t read them.

They’re kind of silly actually, written for teenagers by James Patterson. Part of me is creeped out, part of me is pissed off because I feel like he stole these ideas from me somehow. (Not literally) But it’s weird.. it’s fucking weird.

It’s all about New World Order and children learning to manipulate energy and contact the spirit realm. They get captured and ofcourse, just like I imagined, the goverment controls the weather and wants to harness this power from children. There is a rebellion. A revolution. So much shit. mental hospitals.. Too much in these books that hit much too close to home. I almost didn’t read them because of how weird it was to be seeing my own ideas published in front of me. In a fucking best seller by a best selling author. If only I was a better writer I could have done it first.

I don’t believe that James Patterson stole this from me by the way. I am curious as to how humans pick up such terrifyingly similar details about a fantasy. I don’t know I can’t even write anymore I’m not making any sense. I wish I had someone to help edit and organize all this nonsense going on in my head.

Fucking amazing. One of the most beautiful films I’ve ever seen.

This image was made possible by colored pencils, acid, lack of sleep, and everything Grizzly Bear and Animal Collective have ever recorded.

This is what happens when your brain implodes in on itself.

another piece that crawled out of my brain thanks to LSD.

drawing I completed under the influence of lysergic acid diethylamide over a year ago.

  1. Camera: Panasonic DMC-FX12
  2. Aperture: f/3.5
  3. Exposure: 1/20th
  4. Focal Length: 9mm
I still see a tiny pulsing variation of this in my center of vision whenever I smoke pot or stay up too late. Sometimes it even spreads over my whole field of vision. I guess it just depends on what kinds of frequencies I’m sensitive to at the moment.
Thanks a lot acid…
Seriously, it’s been over a year since I dropped but my last trip was so potent and extensive that the residual visuals are still haunting my pupils.

I still see a tiny pulsing variation of this in my center of vision whenever I smoke pot or stay up too late. Sometimes it even spreads over my whole field of vision. I guess it just depends on what kinds of frequencies I’m sensitive to at the moment.

Thanks a lot acid…

Seriously, it’s been over a year since I dropped but my last trip was so potent and extensive that the residual visuals are still haunting my pupils.

(Source: nopetuckchesta)

I find it interesting to read all these drug devoted blogs with pictures of anorexic dirt sluts wearing shirts like “Eat LSD, See God”. Yeah if you actually break through the clouds and you pass that barrier and see infinity using all your humanly senses (plus one or two), there is still a possibility that what you learn or think you’ve learned may drive you mad, either out of misconceptions or overgeneralizations and fleeting conclusions- the kind that can get a persons stability in a lot of trouble. There are so many life changing and breathtakingly beautiful things that psychedelics taught me, don’t get me wrong, but I think a lot of people don’t have guides to show them this shadow realm full of pretty lights and colors is not to be taken lightly. Theres so much. That’s why cultures that embrace ceremonies involving drugs such as Ayuhuasca have shamans. I wish there weren’t retards jumping off buildings making these drugs illegal in the states while it would be so much better to live in a society that was not afraid of these drugs. To live in a society that if you were legitimately interested in expanding your mind and improving your life as well as others than you would have an easier time finding someone to help you go about this rather than jumping into a pool of jelly fish with a fucking blindfold on.

Anyway, I met this one guy at a coffee shop who sat down to talk with me and a friend. Me and my friend, who attended an energy working school and knows whats up, mostly just nodded and listened to him even though it was like, we were having our own conversation with our eyes about the guy we were talking to. this guy was talking about how much of an atheist he was and we were agreeing with a lot of his points. But he started saying how many times he’s eaten mushrooms and acid and never had that “enlightening experience” that everyone talks about. His conclusion was basically that based on his personal experience, there is no such thing as a spiritual experience and it’s all in our heads. (but tell me what isn’t?) btw, it’s getting late so my ability to form official sentences is dwindling. This guy kept talking about how it just never happened and he had clearly eaten psychedelics more often and at higher doses than I ever have. Apparently he had come misconception that increasing the dose will somehow guarantee you enlightenment or some bullshit.

My experience though, unintentionally had the power of a spiritual electric shock magnified by the color purple times the letter s. What I’m saying is, is that people who hold these expectations without actually participating and actively working to a higher level of consciousness or whatever you want to call it, won’t actually get there if their only key to these recognitions and revelations is a drug. It just won’t happen unless all the rest of the cogs are in place. I’m not trying to sound like I think I’m better than anyone and by no means do I think I’m enlightened, and by the way I’ve been acting lately I don’t even feel what I would consider to be “awake”. But I’ve just been seeing so much drug culture on tumblr and elsewhere that seems to prove that people are regressing into the shallow crystal waving pot philosophers that got the original hippies filed under a category of burnt out idiots. There is so much science and evidence to support ideas like extra sensory perception, collective consciousness and other ideas involved with quantum physics I just wish there was more focus on That cool shit rather than “omg I love colors and patterns”- this coming from someone who fucking loves colors and patterns. That could even be taken into the “sacred geometry” field and it would have more substance to it. What about partical ray experiments? What about actually knowing what the fourth fifth and sixth dimensions actually (theoretically) are?

 

Wow I’m rambling and starting to sound as misdirected and rambly as the people I’m complaining about. It’s bad like I don’t even want to read what I just wrote about. But seriously, sometimes I want to write a research paper on some of the points that I’ve been butchering tonight and actually compile them into something half decent. 

Part of my frustration comes from that fact that LSD is not natural. I know it’s similar to natural compounds found in the brain like serotonin but it’s not natural. It is synthetic. It is something that toys with you. Some Native Americans believe that it takes like twelve reincarnations to rid your soul of the damage drugs like LSD do to it. I’ve been to the dark side of the blotter sheet and I feel like it’s important for me to explain to people not to take the drug lightly. I’ve tripped about 20 times in my life so I feel like I have a relatively decent piece of credibility regarding my opinions on psychedelic drugs. 

In my opinion, if you desire some sort of spiritual experience, keep it natural. Mushrooms are amazing. In no way am I saying they are any friendlier to your emotional stability though. I’ve been the absolute happiest as well as the absolute saddest I have ever been on mushrooms- during the same trip. The nice thing about them is that once you digest them, you stop tripping. With LSD, you never know when that shits gonna end and with such a wide range of milligrams contained in a tiny square from 100-400 (or even more within one hit) it’s hard to know how much as well as what you’re getting. 

I don’t know why I want to ramble about drugs so much, I guess I just keep seeing a bunch of crap that clearly reflects the fact that a bunch of fucking idiots happen to enjoy getting fucked up and confused on drugs that are so far above their comprehension it does more damage to themselves as well as everyone else that it would just be better if more people realized that PSYCHEDELICS ARE NOT TOYS. If that’s what you’re looking for, just go buy a kaleidoscope and call it a day. Now, I have some friends who are pretty down to Mars in the sense that they’ve been to some places and seen some shit and their lives were positively changed by drugs and now they just take them to have a good time. But if you’ve only tripped once, and it inspired you to make an entire blog with obnoxious strobe light effect gifs and generic “trippy shit”, then come on man, seriously… If you REALLY read the book “Be Here Now” you would know that the ultimate goal of tripping and becoming more aware, compassionate and centered is to be all these things WITHOUT DRUGS. I swear a bunch of retards saw all the pretty pictures from that book but never actually read the introduction or closing pages. I think that acid can open a door to these things but once it becomes something someone thinks they need, it’s passed the point of doing them any benefit. Then it just becomes another common crutch and a doorway to forced “fun”.

Acid is like a cheatcode. It lets your brain work in ways where it suddenly is able to make connections you may not have seen before. It’s beautiful and can be a lot of fun. I just hope that people do a bit more research before deciding to jump down the rabbit hole. It took me a long time to realize that I don’t do well with LSD partially because I don’t like uppers. I don’t do well with racing thoughts and lack of sleep. On top of everything my terrible trip resulting in hospitalization was accidental. I didn’t know how much I was taking and just threw the shit on my tongue because I thought it was what would be considered one dose. A little mis-communication over the bass of a loud concert can make all the difference.

Ough. Writing this really makes me want to watch the Big Labowski again.

The last time I watched it I started furiously writing notes on it and literally drew a map of the different connections and metaphors that I was picking up.

 

I know this isn’t a diary, I know this isn’t where I’m technically “supposed” to put a journal, but hey, no one is making you read this. But if you did, thanks. I just felt like sharing.

One more thing, Hunter S. Thompson was great and everything but can you people stop pretending that he’s a great role model? I mean, come on…