Go. Swim a thousand seas, walk through sand and trees and see what’s out there in the desert of the ocean and you will only wish someone loved you as much as I do and I could have loved even far more deeply still. Away to search for mysterious happenings and tight skin but they won’t know you or where you’ve been. They won’t love the way you talk with your hands. They won’t love every single line that ripples like parenthesis framing your mouth, your words, and everything you say. The same mouth off limits from mine. I could love anyone at all if given the time to love them and I was given time with you but you’re not mine and you will never be nor do I wish to own or possess you, I only wish not to feel like my heart is caving in when you’re around. Where can I take my homeless love? Twisted vines clenching this wounded dog with tail between her legs. I declare my skin a museum of scars for insects to witness what happens when feelings are felt. Felt wings swift sing song forever long I got a million things to say about fear. I am filled with light and gratitude for all the love surrounding me, but I still wish to drown in yours.

I’ll be mourning the death of the possibility of you

You will go on never wondering what could have been. Keep searching and find me when you’ve given up on them, by then I will have given up on you.

I’ve seen you as a whole

yet I still love you.

That must

Count for something.

I’m starting to forget the tone of your voice. The memory of us is waning away like a dream on a near sleepless night. In a heap of blankets, it’s morning. I am frigid and foggy and I can’t remember how you taste. Each day that passes erases the once familiar way we loved. It’s 3:44 in the afternoon and I would have been with you. You visit, a ghost in my lungs. I climb down reasons and questions like depressing ladder rungs. I expel and exhale as much as I can but I’m still coughing you up like a bad night, feeling I have failed. I’m still staring at empty walls and I beg myself not to wish you would call. I fluctuate between longing and hate. I still miss you. Please tell me this will hurt less tomorrow. I wasn’t ready for abandonment and sorrow. There was no descent, there was no rising action. Only lashing screams before vanishing and a most definite and gruesome farewell. 

Another will come, but his touch wont be yours.

His eyes wont be yours.

He wont smell like you.

I wish it didn’t have to be this way.

Maybe we can’t be lovers but I wish we weren’t strangers.

and for a moment

I could have sworn

I felt your eyes

see me

in a different light

But maybe

it was just the moon

as she can be

full

radiant

and deceptive

I will not be made a fool

by moonshine

or moonlight

but I don’t have the will

to fight and

push this away

and away you slip

as red sand 

from clenched fists

as I will try

to tell my heart 

not to beat faster

when you come in the room

Even if the moon herself

shines from your eyes

just kill me

I spilled my goddamn soul to him and he just doesn’t feel the same way about me. I should have known and now I feel like a goddamn idiot. He pretty much laughed at me and told me it was “cute”. I’m serious. I can’t handle being rejected anymore. This just hurts really, really bad. At least he admitted that he’s been a total asshole and has been leading me on for all this time. He can’t help how he feels but he can control the way he acts and he made me think things were different. I want to cry for a really long time but I also want to get over it because its not going to get any better. I can’t get passed soaking in the fact that I’m just not good enough and it feels like I’m not good enough for anyone. I feel so stupid. And now things will be awkward between us but at least its done. There’s nothing else I can do. I just can’t believe I wasted all this time feeling things for him when he barely care about me at all. As if I needed something to crumble my self esteem anymore.

Excuse me, I’m going to go sleep off this tequila hangover.

There is something

about the way

you are as difficult to read

as a road map

from space

that keeps me 

here

I take time to count

the space between

your words

I taste the rhymes

on your tongue

when you

tell me 

the back road

I should take

around your spine

Tell me 

how long 

a round trip cost

in your arms

will be charged

to this pain

in my chest

as I lay out

in front of me

all the things I see in you

that are usually

shown to me

in mirrors

Careful I am

not to interrupt

the pattern of

your breath in

autumn air as

it dances

with smoke from

my soul caught

aflame

upon your fire

If only for a

fleeting moment

in time

we burned

as one

Give me time

to prove 

my theory

that the space

between 

our bodies

is 

highly

overrated

I remember when you tucked me safe inside the nest between your shoulders. I was a lonely creature seeking comfort in the dead of a moonless night and I had seen the light of flickering kindle wood in the heart of a sea of black trees and dark matter. I fit my weakness into the dips and curves of your bony frame. I hoped for the best. We were held captive by two bodies swaying as trees do with the life force all that is. Our hearts pulsing with the scraping sound of leg to abdomen. As we inhaled the breath of ferns the wind told us old stories about what is still sure to come.

…and when you stutter it clutters my mind with images of someone who’s been conflicted and afflicted with criticism before, and I can’t help but relate but I never feel like you hear me when I sing these tales of my fall.Another night another awkward stance and I wish I could be closer, so much closer but it’s inapropriate and I’m confused by notions that you show to me. We could be something interesting and beautiful and we could be intertwined as we have been, your body tangled in mine as a squid holding it’s pray at the bottom of the sea. I always come to our mutual destinations with jaded expectations but then you touch my arm it’s all over. I want to burrow beneath your thoughts and see what you have to say about this ridiculous world. But you wont let me. and Sometimes it feels like I’m not real, or you just can’t see me. I don’t let myself sink into another’s aura but it happens when you come around and it makes me feel weak. I wont put a fight when you crawl into my life. When you come around I am lost to you and I am blind to the others. The Others don’t know my name, they see a pretty face and they deface it with spray paint and hormones. Should I be ashamed to feel this way when you stand beside me? I am guilty of being sucked into your gravitational pull and it kills me. You come and you go and your body’s magnets are opposite to mine. I wait. I wait like a stray in the middle of the ocean I’ve given up hope but you give me the inspiration to feel again. That is something else. Something I don’t understand as I fall deeper into the wells of your eyes. It’s funny how you aren’t even aware of how much torment your presence causes me. First it giveth affection then you take it away. Should I stay? Should I hold you as you hold me? It’s hard to push away the one who poisons your heart all the time. I don’t want to let go of such a thin strand of the rarest color you can find. Please don’t flee in fear.

I’m trying to get to the root of this void. What makes me constantly crave and devour any body that makes its way under my sheets?  Why do I give up my most valuable possessions -my self, my self love, my body- to those who have barely even said hello? What have they done that’s so damn special as to have me hovering above them? Not much, I know this. I stumble home every morning walking the sidewalk plank of shame to my own bed where I lay in silence as I reflect on the things I’ve done. I usually don’t feel particularly awful. I don’t always feel as if I’m slipping into one of my typical pools of depression. I just begin to wonder why I do this to myself. I value myself very highly. I like to even think that most of the time, I love myself. I even adore the majority of the people I let into me. But I’m beginning to see a flaw in my plan to give into every single physical urge of lust as I do not value the act itself as highly as I should. If it is not such a big deal then why does it feel like I’m handing out pieces of my soul to every beggar who approaches me with a drink in one hand and a condom in the other? Sometimes they don’t even have the rubber. With no romance love or chemistry, this hollow mating ritual quickly turns into two bodies thrusting at each other like cheap amateur porn. Its like I just met you and it’s the end of the world so what the hell, may as well make the best of this last night on earth. But it is not. Unfortunately I awake to the next day foggy headed and cotton mouthed with the bad breath to prove it. Sometimes they make me breakfast. Sometimes they don’t. Sometimes the boys pass out next to a fire at a party before I can even get their phone number. Sloppy kisses and groping that will never reach their full potential. I hunt. I seek and destroy. I kill all possible romantic future that we may have because I give it up too soon. Should I carry the weight of our collective primitive magnetism to each others groins? Am I responsible for saying yes or no for both of us? Am I “easy” because I sleep with you on the first night while you’re just a successful male? Maybe. Maybe I should learn to control myself. Maybe I should get a grip over the fact that I just want to be loved and held and maybe I should get over the fact that I usually sleep alone. It must be my fault that I’m lonely. 

-I saw another ufo last night.

-Yesterday I floated down the river for almost 3 hours.

-Last nights dreams were such a tease. I hate, hate hate dreaming about holding a boy I wish I was with only to wake up and realize it was all in my head. He is still confusing the shit out of me. Why does he seem so interested, and why does it feel so right and exciting and comfortable and wonderful when we’re together but then he disappears.. I know he likes to be alone but… I wish I didn’t have dreams like that.

-I’m a witch.

-I purchased my alchemy ticket yesterday but I don’t think it’s sunken in that I’m actually going yet. I was so disappointed about missing transformus that I haven’t gotten my hopes up yet.. even though I have my tiicckeeet!!!

-I still have no monthly bleeding fest. I’m either pregnant and my test read a false negative, I have a cyst, or I’ve just been very stressed. It’s a littttle too early for menopause. I’ve had terrible cramps and moodswings. Something deep down says I’m not prego but it’s still scaring me. I just want to get it so I can stop worrying.

-By the end of next week I will be moved into my new apartment.

-I’m going to miss my roommates so much.

-Xander should be flea-free after today. He is sooo big! He has grown soo fast.

That’s all I guess.

This is my new baby boy. His name is Xander and he is beautiful. I love him too much already.

  1. Camera: Panasonic DMC-FX12
  2. Aperture: f/3.2
  3. Exposure: 1/60th
  4. Focal Length: 7mm