Today I saw a butterfly hover above a decaying possum on my run today at the park. UFO disclosure is finally happening. I saw two last month. I just watched an interview on Fox news with a guy I ate mushrooms with last winter solstice. Why does my life feel like a strange surreal dream world right now? Am I even awake.

just kill me

I spilled my goddamn soul to him and he just doesn’t feel the same way about me. I should have known and now I feel like a goddamn idiot. He pretty much laughed at me and told me it was “cute”. I’m serious. I can’t handle being rejected anymore. This just hurts really, really bad. At least he admitted that he’s been a total asshole and has been leading me on for all this time. He can’t help how he feels but he can control the way he acts and he made me think things were different. I want to cry for a really long time but I also want to get over it because its not going to get any better. I can’t get passed soaking in the fact that I’m just not good enough and it feels like I’m not good enough for anyone. I feel so stupid. And now things will be awkward between us but at least its done. There’s nothing else I can do. I just can’t believe I wasted all this time feeling things for him when he barely care about me at all. As if I needed something to crumble my self esteem anymore.

Excuse me, I’m going to go sleep off this tequila hangover.

Yesterday my cat tried to escape out the door to chase the neighbors cat and I freaked out and tried to chase him

and I tripped and fell on my concrete stairs and busted my ass.

Seriously, I have awful cuts and scrapes on all over my legs and my knees feel like they’re on fire whenever I bend them

and my thumbnail broke reallly far down but didn’t come off so I have this useless bloody painful fingernail that looks like something out of Saw.

Today I went hiking- I slipped on a rock and hit my tailbone.

and then I got food poisoning from a sketchy Mexican restaurant.

I’ve had the worst fucking headache all day.

I started my motherfucking period which I haven’t had in four months.

are you fucking kidding me right now. 

alright that’s enough of the bitchfest….

I actually somehow find this all absolutely hilarious.

If you can’t even use correct grammar or spelling to communicate your political beliefs  than I’m not going to fucking take you seriously. I’ll stop reading after you misuse the word “no” when you meant to say “know”.

… Especially when you’re using a really long run-on sentence to defend Mitt Romney.

-____-

I’d never had sex on molly before..

and um, yeah. That was pretty fucking fantastic.

fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

At least I’m going to see Yeasayer tonight.

Is getting laid just too much to ask for?

Seriously I have neeeds.

..But apparently everyone is soooo fucking afraid that “I’ll get too attached”.

What if I told you, I just want to fuck?? Why is that only acceptable of males?

fffuuuuuuuhhhhhk.

I swear half of my depression comes from dry spells like this.

I’m at the end of my rope right now. This boy I’ve been seeing threw the whole “I just don’t want anything serious” thing at me. Over and over and over this happens. I’m so sick of this pattern. Why is it so hard for me to find someone who wants to stick around a while? 

He says it’s nothing to do with me and it is very true that he is incredibly busy these days. But what that means to me is that I’m not good enough. I’m not thin enough or smart or funny of confident enough. It’s not even about him because I was never head over heels for him either. But the fact that hes the one to tell me he doesn’t “want me to get too attached” and that he would rather keep things casual is just..

I’m fucking sick of it. I want to tell him to go choke on a dick even though I don’t mean it at all. 

I just want to curl up in a ball. no one fucking cares. It feels like I’m screaming at the bottom of the ocean.

I’m pretty tired of feeling inadequate. I have so much love to give and nowhere to put it. ever. this is just icing on the cake. I don’t want to feel this sad.

I miss finger tip sparks on birdcage ribs dancing between freckles and grooves.

Our motions so slight our hairs twist together as embracing squids rejoice in intimate movements and generate a fiery furnace powered by our beating hearts as they sound and resonate together in heavy unison.

I’m afraid of this close proximity,

I fear the feeling I’ll face once we pry ourselves apart to drift our separate ways.

I’m scared of cold skin on long nights.

Don’t leave me the way I leave the others.

To you, I am to them as they are to me.

I don’t want to be another or just an other one to you. 

fuck fuckity fuck.

I filled out a job application and turned off my computer like a dumbass. I was waiting to finish it after I got my managers number. I sent her a message so I could use her as a reference. I had everything done.. other than one little box.

I stumbled upon a couple artists tonight.. and it just kills me inside. I’m feeling guilty about not wanting to finish up this degree. But I don’t want it. I just want to learn goddamn it. I just want to become a better artist I don’t want a fucking piece of paper that says so. If I really wanted to major in drawing anyway I would have to be a teacher or go to grad school or something… Things that I am not going to do.

I have barely talked to anyone today.

Really the only thing I was proud of doing was finishing that application. And that’s all gone now. Who the fuck makes an online application without a save button? Apparently Earthbound.

I’m stressed because I’m trying to make it through these last two weeks even though I’m not coming back here, so none of my classes even matter. 

I’m moving in like two weeks and I haven’t started packing.

I need a fucking job. bad. I haven’t had one in like two years though so who the fuck is going to hire me? Again, hopefully Earthbound since I have friends who work there, one of them being a manager. 

I have to resign from this school and transfer to another.. AGAIN.

I’ve already been to three colleges. Transferring sucks balls. I wish I could just make up my mind and stay put.

The boy I’m forever fascinated with hasn’t communicated with me in any way since I saw him last like two weeks ago. Part of me wants to be angry that someone would kiss me without wanting to pursue something. Part of me knows that I’m a shitty person for being physical with this girl because it’s the same thing. I don’t intend on dating her and I haven’t made that clear.

My best friends are out fucking their significant whatnots. I’m going crazy in my little tomb of a room right now. I want to smoke some fucking pot but I live in a motherfucking dorm. I guess I may skulk away into my car.. but I’m paranoid and never do anything sketchy like that unless other people are there.

I seriously don’t feel like my life has purpose or direction. Even though I have tons of loving friends and wonderful family and a beautiful city around me… Even though   I’m privledged and lucky in so many ways. Even though in actuality I have a plan for myself that I’m very excited about.. something doesn’t seem right. I’m so unsettled.

…and I have no fucking idea why in god’s name I would post this on here but I am.

I can’t sleep… I slept through all my classes today- the first one unintentionally. I feel like that was a huuuge mistake… I mean I only have one more class of each. why the fuck couldn’t I get out of bed to do that? 

I’ve been so stressed I can’t sleep at night and my mind starts racing around 1 in the morning. 

I don’t want to be constantly disappointed in myself I feel like that is such a constant with me. I always know I could do/be better but I don’t because I feel like it’s pointless or a waste of time or I’m afraid of something. 

Why don’t I want to reach my potential? I wish I had a life coach… with Morgan Freeman’s voice.

fuck I don’t know what I need but goddamn it a boy would be nice for fucking once.