But why does it breathe? If life is but a breath then why does it breathe? Why do we breathe? We come in. We go out. I am so nutshell shock too many voices at one time everyone sit down and do as your told I am the one here and I have come to tell you to be weary forget what you’ve lost it was never got I’ve got to show you  I could sing a song in a language that’s never been sung but you would know that I’m full of shit yes I am 200% poop and alone a 20 year old piece of poop sits and taps at her laptop/ this isn’t quite as she envisioned it all or was it? Who fucking knows I’m my own mother the other from the outward in explosion from the core crapple sapple motherfucker it’s phhreeeesh and I aint never been stung like a motherfucker like you I ain’t the dumbest piece of crap and I don’t know why it excites me to say just that linear timelines forever sentence struggle in a tangle with itself and others and all of the above and the outward in explosion seems to continue and continue until it continues I wish I was horse back riding memories back to where I was a second ago a millennia ago and I am definitely no genius but I do say sir if I wasn’t so sure of nuclear warfare as I am now I am now as I am scared to even type those words into the system from my brain as if I could explain and I was to blame for all of the above terror destruction I’m destroying the beginning from the middle of the beginning and spiral out motherfucker there are squirrels running up my brain its a puddle soup back to basics as I was the amoeba crawling from beneath my own skin that I was crawling out of to get into my own skin again and again we do we continue as little tiny gunslingers searching for towers made of sand melt into the sea eventually and am I free or was I free and are we free will we ever be will we be there now or yesterday I how do I words spider web connection fluid tapestry descends it unfolds and here we are new borns in another fucking story I’m telling the same story over and over hows about I change the goddamn channel for once and when I explode from the inside outward I know that I am light love and I am the breath of something greater. But I’m just feeding my own bird feeder out my mouth refrigerator fuckin a that’s a hard word to spell but maybe I’m a sixth grader and cool sailor a sailor moon if ya please an ice skater and it was known this was the way that they wrote songs in the age where the words that we spit came from the same dinosaur pit where the same cum ran up the spine of some poor flower and forgave every bastard son they are not the ones to blame and if I know the way I’ll tell you and if some poor old fellow manages to read the above passages I forget just where I was going. I want to cum on life itself and give it something to die for. How do I put this simply I would fuck the body connected to the brain that pulses to another’s heart arteries my art and trees Well ain’t that fuckin deep jesus godamnmotherfucking blasphasphummers thumb ass burners we some what I’m sorry excuse me whos brain was I just in oh sorry that was my own I’m knocking on different windows of souls spiraling around and about and all I want is to do is fill the gap fill the void the hollow the lake I must fill myself one day I will say something that people will remember for the rest of their lives but who cares everyone dies at the end and that’s ok I’m ok with just being a breath just breathe and who the hell can tell the difference if im saying breath or breathe and so ok I’m just gonna put this out there I already know I’m going to read this to Jeremy so I may as well put this shout out in here for comic relief when I jump out of a ship that’s still dripping with the rip in the time collide machine destroy rejoice you’re trying your breast best look at you you try your best but you just end up typing breast because you like huge tits and whose tits in my head whose game I’ll settle your Catan oh my goddamn I can’t believe I just rickross Virginia who knows I don’t fucking care  who the hell would ever sit through this dribble nibble your vagina I’d rather not camping farts and giggle sin and wow who put that dark light so close to your elbow in the middle of the night it was so bright and I love just a few but you all knew it was only you and every time my brain shatters on itself hitting a wall and I breathe as a breath in another breath of another thing that breathes. And maybe I shouldn’t read this to you understated in the middle of who the heck brought that guy here and shudder flutter I revisit all the things I used to revisit and in and out  there is something bigger than myself. Because we could be tripping for days maybe only years but make this one count a sting of thoughts on your tongue let them come a single strip a tap a hit a bump on your tongue and whose counting anyway a million years of remembering who I used to be who I was going to be who I used to be it recycles the same old shit but I already knew I was made of poop and glue and I miss you o god that could mean everyone or everyone and I’m spilling and vomiting a million years of crying a million years of pain and suffering and joy and light and embracing all within with one very happy face on a bright shining day who am I. sufferer blood rain bringer dark ring barer im so fucking hungry for so many different types of love and I love how but I’m the shit don’t you realize real eyes real lies. I’ve already been here before should I just start and save and start and die and breathe. Its really all just only a discussion with yourself ourselves I fell and I am full of distaste for the haste to get rid of all the fun shit I could sleep but I wanna row down the river I am a meat cleaver and blue beaver a stop clever clandestine widow a pittoo I apologize but I’m not a potato in the middle of the night I crumble the marbles are scattered in the dark matter who is here I can’t hear stop shit flowin from the top of my head don’t even look at it get nakey in the courtyard fuck me inside out and blossoms fall about your hair maybe I would love a maiden fair I could if she would. I could love any other I have loved all others at some other point so get over it spilling my dreams I hope to sing the never ending violins that play in my heart all the time. I would make you breakfast I would eat fruit in the morning seventh chakra never shy enough not to show herself at the end of the night eye awak I tyghbdnfuujikmewqvutyerdxxseazoutdnejwitkemsnalotiehtudnskemlmeliaameliasan dorrito florida pool of cess Id rather keep my own mess to myself thank you very much and you’re welcome even though you’re always disappointed and don’t tell me you don’t think about it every now and then and often and all the time I am waiting out my window waiting for some stupid boy who hasn’t come or already came and came and went and wept about someone else to my face on the same face that you spilled the sons that didn’t come out from another one and slip dipstickwaddleoutwithoutapaddle saddle fickle just words but isn’t this cool you can know what you thought about at some other point in time that no longer has any relevance in new said such point which point that’s the point in which I tell you I have to go I’ve got to take care of my own glow in the dark things in my art im delirious fuck my old powtry im better now what in the actual fuck I am literally smarter than some of the most famous poops at the Hollywood zoo omg I think I’m a million fucking people in one split into atoms at the core of an atom at the core of an apple at the core of an apple at the core of the truth behind the bend and break of wind at neck and neck with the tree top serenades of a paradise that makes me think of two who will be symbiotic fuck this I’m tired.

New painting. Haven’t posted any of my art on here in a long time so here ya go.

  1. Camera: Panasonic DMC-FX12
  2. Aperture: f/2.8
  3. Exposure: 1/20th
  4. Focal Length: 5mm

Last night there were traveling homeless kids with their dogs downtown like always.. but they were huffing ether literally right in front of the back door to the One Stop and my stomach is still upset I swear just from smelling that shit.

Wtf mates?? I want to puke just thinking about it.

I could really care less if you’re into that but.. go down a back alley or something, because not everyone within your vicinity wants to breathe that in.

shit smells like paint thinner and death.

I finally got a job interview at a petsupermarket and I’m wigging the fuck out right now trying to figure out whether they drug test or not. I asked google and saw forums that say they do, but those are for locations in Florida and Wisconsin. I don’t know if it’s standard for all stores.

aghhh I need a job so bad.

I just don’t know what to do. Meanwhile I’m fuckin ronrey as hell.. and just bubbling with anxiety.

I just want a decent job man. and now I don’t know if I can smoke or should smoke or if I should even worry about it or if I should turn the job down if they hire me and there is a test or if I should just calm the fuck down because maybe they don’t.

I don’t fucking know. I just want to cuddle and my cat is not sufficient. 

I wrote a post earlier that didn’t get published because the internet sucks out here but I was writing about how I’ve been reading these books since I’ve been here and how the books are directly, exactly identical to delusions and fears I had when I lost my marbles almost two years ago. The book was apparently published the same year. 

I’ve been wanting to write a detailed explanation of everything that happened but it’s just too hard. So much time has passed now that it’s become especially difficult to remember when and where certain things happened. At the same time, there is no way I can forget certain things I thought about. Some things happened that I will never, ever forget.

I felt like I was too aware of my own physical energy. So much that I felt expanded to the point that I was affecting things around me. I knew things were going to happen and I my brain was always processing ten steps ahead of everything. I felt way too sensitive to everyone else around me and literally felt the weight of the world on me. I have never felt empathy to that extent and didn’t know it was possible to. I grew paranoid and was afraid that people high up in government knew how strong I was and wanted to use me for my power. I believed that people could shapeshift so they could get to me. I became obsessed with positive/negative energy and became afraid of fear. I became afraid of myself. I thought I had created a terrible black hole portal into a dimension of awful spirits that were tugging me down. I thought this hole was in my room. Sometimes I felt possessed. I thought I was a witch or that I was evil. I thought I knew too much. I wanted to help everyone. I felt like I knew how to do everything or could figure out anything. My ego was inflated but yet I was more afraid than I have ever been in my entire life. I thought I couldn’t talk to anyone because They would take them away. I thought they could reach my thoughts and track my activity on my computer as well as my phone. I thought Jaiden and I were communicating telepathically, and he did too. It got complicated and confusing. I actually did communicate with my sister in a nonverbal way. I thought I had learned too much at once and didn’t know how to do simple tasks anymore. I was so distracted by trying to carry the weight of everything. I didn’t want to hurt or disappoint anyone so badly that I didn’t tell anyone what was going on and whenever I did, I spread fear to them just as I thought I would, which is exactly what I was trying to avoid. Eventually I couldn’t think linearly. My thoughts were acting more like polka dots than as a straight line. I spoke to a healer once and this is how she described it. She also told me that I had gotten in touch with a different frequency via lsd and poked a hole in my reality. I felt over and over that I was dying and disintegrating or being reborn. Many times, tooo many times I thoroughly believed that I was dead. Sometimes I thought that I was on another plane of existence. There was this very very scary point where I thought I was descended down the ladders of reality and I had to somehow “get it right” to come back. I thought my body was actually somewhere else in a coma. I couldn’t cope with the reality that I had created for myself so I was convinced I could somehow just… make myself vanish. Sometimes I thought that I was experiencing other peoples emotions through them. At one point I thought I was my roommates orange tabby.. not that I was him but that I was feeling all of his pain when they were trying to give him a bath. I kept feeling like I needed to start over. I didn’t believe that people were who they were. I didn’t belive that my parents were my parents when they came to get me from the hospital. I even had a delusion that I was supposed to burn and die in a fire in my house.

After a trip to the mental hospital and multiple medications I came back to reality from my lsd/mdma/psilocybin induced two month long spiral downward. I’ve recovered and become happier than ever. After you visit hell, everything after is just brighter.

A few months ago I ran into my friend who’s sister was good friends with my roommate while living in that house. She told me that everyone who tried to live in that room after I did either got sick or had a mental breakdown or both. All three of them. Also creepypasta, There had been a fire in the house next door to mine and the room closest to mine had burned down. Apparently when they tried to get a roommate to move in after all this had happened the fire alarm went off when they were showing the room to someone. It never ever, goes off. There was something very very dark in that room I swear to you.

During my breakdown I knew that the room would have a stigma attached to it. I knew that it would be a mini “legend” of sorts. I knew that they would have trouble finding someone to live there.

When my parents picked me up from the hospital we went back to my house to get my belongings. I couldn’t find the strength to go to it though. I thought that either a) my roommates were now zombies, or b) my house had burned down. I remember looking up at my neighbors house and thinking that it was burnt. I couldn’t see my house from the street because it was on a hill behind some other buildings..

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So here for the even weirder part, I picked up two books since I came to the beach and literally, everything that I was afraid of happening, everything that I thought was happening, is in that book. I mean, not everything as in not things that happened to me personally but a lot of it was. It was like someone picked my brain. Now I don’t know if it was a coincidence. I don’t know if I became in touch with the collective knowledge or just put together certain information but I almost couldn’t read them.

They’re kind of silly actually, written for teenagers by James Patterson. Part of me is creeped out, part of me is pissed off because I feel like he stole these ideas from me somehow. (Not literally) But it’s weird.. it’s fucking weird.

It’s all about New World Order and children learning to manipulate energy and contact the spirit realm. They get captured and ofcourse, just like I imagined, the goverment controls the weather and wants to harness this power from children. There is a rebellion. A revolution. So much shit. mental hospitals.. Too much in these books that hit much too close to home. I almost didn’t read them because of how weird it was to be seeing my own ideas published in front of me. In a fucking best seller by a best selling author. If only I was a better writer I could have done it first.

I don’t believe that James Patterson stole this from me by the way. I am curious as to how humans pick up such terrifyingly similar details about a fantasy. I don’t know I can’t even write anymore I’m not making any sense. I wish I had someone to help edit and organize all this nonsense going on in my head.

Day six without a cigarette.

I’m trying to use this family vacation as an aid for getting me through the initial first week of quitting. I could write a novel on all the reasons I should not keep smoking. E-cigs sound really appealing to me- vaporizers are great. I just can’t even enjoy it anymore. The taste has been losing it’s appeal to me for a long time. I feel like I hate myself when I smoke and I think that when I feel low about myself I use it as a self destructive masochistic tool… But I love life and living and I can’t do this anymore to myself. It’s not fair that I’m stuck with this fucking addiction just because I made a poor decision when I was 13 to start. 

I think it’s time I actually control something in my life. I will feel so happy. I already feel like a weight has been lifted off and I have so much more energy. My throat and lungs already feel so much better. I’m coughing up the nastiest shit. 

I’ll be more confident singing and I wont have to strain as much on certain notes. I’ll be able to go up stairs without dying and exercise will me easier. Everything will taste and smell better. I’ll lose weight, my breath will smell and taste better. My clothes and sweat will smell better. I wont be constantly afraid of throat cancer.

I have to keep reminding myself why I’m doing this for myself because in all honesty, I love to smoke. But I also know how much I hate it and how I can’t even enjoy it through the cloud of guilt that hangs over me.

Lately I’ve been smoking one a day only after dinner. If I’m home alone I can control it like that. It’s when I go out and drink is what worries me. That is when I wish I could have an e-cig or something. I love the social aspect of smoking. That’s pretty much the only part I’m still hanging on to. At the same time, if I quit then I’ll probably attract healthier people into my life, so it’s still a good thing.

The best advice I’ve read is that I have to remember that I’m not losing anything. It feels like I’m losing a part of myself but in reality I will gain so much.

Health and self confidence are more important than some retarded deadly social crutch I use to mingle with people.

By the way I am not quitting the gangja. I’ve already cut it down so much that I don’t feel like it’s impairing my life. I find it so easy to decide not to smoke pot. Cigarettes are a whole other evil fucking creature though. 

I will not buy a pack when I go home. I will not drink and decide to start up again. I have to do this. I’m going on ten years! I never thought I would still be smoking at this age.

This just feels like the right time. I feel like lately I’ve matured or changed in some positive way. I feel like it’s time to grow up and take control of my life. Many things are going to change for me for the better.

Any advice on quitting is very welcome. I need all the support I can get right now.

Bong is love. There is only bong.

This is a fairly old photo of me when I first moved to Asheville.

I’d never had sex on molly before..

and um, yeah. That was pretty fucking fantastic.

I’m tired because I got drunk and ate mushrooms and stayed up all night and dealt with a black out drunk boy and I really have to pack all of my things but I feel like a zombie.

This guy I used to know passed away and I just found out. I’m not sure how to feel about it because although he could be really nice and funny as fuck, he did some really, really sketchy things to my friends. He played in a band with my ex boyfriend. 

I’ve experienced quite a few deaths now in my life, most of them just young kids my age.. 

What hurts very deeply for me is that he was a father of a beautiful little girl. 

I can’t say I’m surprised that this has happened though, knowing he was involved with heroin I used to think it was only a matter of time. Although I don’t know exactly what happened, I would say that an overdose is a safe bet.

The weirdest part is that this past week I have been feeling liek someone.. not even someone I was close to would pass away. I’m not sure if it’s the time of year or something.. but I felt something coming, I swear. Some things can not be explained.